What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm! A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go
to the bathroom.
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!
On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me.
TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home
early."
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said did you see the guy that did it? She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
MY CHILDHOOD
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father "I'm very sorry.We did everything we could, but he pulled through.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, look...twins!
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him "Do you think we'll ever find them? "He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide."
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great - uncle fought for the west!
SO UGLY
I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I'm so ugly that on Halloween, I have to Trick or Treat by telephone.
DOCTORS
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him if you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said all right, you're ugly too!
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't
know but your eyesight is perfect.
I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!
One time I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said "On your mark..."
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
KIDSTUFF
THINGS WE TELL KIDS TO MAKE THEM MIND
1. Don't pet that dog. It will eat your face off.
2. Don't go into the street. A car will run you
over and you'll end up like a banana pancake. That
includes your new shoes. 3. Don't forget to wash
your hands after playing in the sand. There are tiny
eggs under your fingernails that get into your mouth
and hatch in your belly, and then at night worms crawl
out of your bottom. 4. Don't crawl into the
refrigerator. There is green stuff on the leftovers
that is growing faster than you are. By morning it will
break out of the plastic containers and beat you up.
5. Don't touch the knives. You'll cut off your
fingers and then you can say goodbye to things like
ripping off your diaper, locking yourself in the
bathroom and poking the dessert just before the company
comes. 6. Don't stand around with your fingers in
your nose. Other kids will think you're creepy and
throw sand at you. Plus, their parents will wonder
where you learned it.
7. Don't unbuckle your seat belt. You might get put
in prison. You'll have to celebrate your birthday with
a bunch of murderers, perverts and lawyers.
8. Don't bite on that electrical cord. There's fire
inside that will blow up your teeth. You'll never be
able to chew paper, old gum from the sidewalk or dog
kibble again.
9. Don't try to climb over the balcony railing.
You'll flip over the top and die, then go to a place
where a bunch of other bull-headed kids will hit you on
the head with a plastic rake when the Lord is not
looking. 10. Don't open the dishwasher and jump up
and down on the door. Mommy will have to call a
repairman, then Daddy will die. 11. Don't put your
tongue on that. A dog went pee-pee there. 12. Don't
eat those mushrooms in the grass. Remember the king in
the Babar book? He did that, turned green and died. You
hate green. 13. Don't drink anything in the garage.
It's all poison and we'll have to take you to the
hospital, and they'll put tubes in your stomach and
pump everything out. It will hurt when the Barbie head
comes back up. 14. Don't lick the pigeons. It's bad
enough we're feeding them moldy bread. 15. Don't
play in the fireplace. A reindeer went pee-pee in
there. 16. Don't hit Mommy's old computer with that
toy hammer. If it breaks, Daddy will have to buy a new
one. On second thought, here's a real hammer. 17.
Don't try to kiss a goat. It eats garbage and will go
after whatever that thing is in your mouth.
18. Don't play in the toilet. Remember, the toilet
is dirty even though it looks clean, and your cup is
clean even though it looks dirty. 18. Don't keep on
wearing those old shoes. They're too small and your
feet will shrivel up like the potatoes in the vegetable
drawer, and you won't be able to run away from me.
WHAT KIDS HAVE LEARNED
1. I've learned that my daddy can say a lot of
words I can't. -- age 8 2. I've learned that if you
spread the peas out on your plate it looks like you ate
more. -- age 6
3. I've learned that you can be in love with four
girls at the same time. -- age 9
4. I've learned that you can't hide a piece of
broccoli in a glass of milk. -- age 7
5. I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda
pop at the same time, it will come out your nose. --
age 7
6. I've learned that when I eat fish sticks, they
help me swim faster because they're fish. -- age 7
7. I've learned that when I wave at people in the
country they stop what they're doing and wave back. --
age 9
8. I've learned that when I grow up, I'm going to
be an artist. It's in my blood. -- age 8
9. I've learned that you can't judge boys by the
way they look. -- age 12 10. I've learned that you
should never jump out of a second story window using a
sheet for a parachute. -- age 10
11. I've learned that parents are very hard to live
with. -- age 12 12. I've learned that sometimes the
tooth fairy doesn't always come. Sometimes he's broke.
-- age 8
13.I've learned that if you talk too long on the
phone with a girl, your parents suspect something is
going on. -- age 11 14. I've learned that girls
sweat just as much as boys. -- age 11 15. I've
learned that you shouldn't confuse a black crayon with
a Tootsie Roll. -- age 10
16. I've learned that I like my teacher because she
cries when we sing "Silent Night". -- age 7
17. I've learned that sometimes I don't like to
play ball with daddy because he gets mad when I drop
the ball. -- age 10
18. I've learned that milk helps keep your bones
from bending over. -- age 7 19 I've learned that
the teacher always calls on me the time I don't know
the answer. -- age 9
20. I've learned how to hold animals without
killing them. -- age 5 21. I've learned that when
you have three of your wild friends in the car the
driver freaks. -- age 9
22. I've learned that gold fish don't like Jello.
-- age 5
23. I've learned that the older I get the less
attention I get. -- age 6
24. I've learned that sometimes my mother laughs so hard that she snorts.-- age 7
WASHING THE DOG
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good sized box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
LOOKING FOR ME
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child. "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he is busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They are looking for me!"
MEDICAL HUMOR
PATIENT'S TRUE MEDICAL CHARTS
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left
side for over a year.
2. On the second day the knee was better, and on
the third day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she
began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.
She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male,
mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at
another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been
remarkably insignificant with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia
for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. She stated that she had been constipated for
most of her life until she got a divorce.
18. The patient was to have a bowel resection.
However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
19. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
20. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank,
who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
21. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.
TRUE ER TALES
1. A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several
nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked
about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an
attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
2. A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the lady an
asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her
arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left
side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime.
3. A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a
complaint of belly button lint.
4. A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts, the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the
ladyīs 78-year old daughter that her mother didnīt make it. "Didnīt make it? Where could they be? She left in
the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
DOCTORS TRYING TO GET INTO HEAVEN
Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.
The doctor said "Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work."
The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said, "I haven't won any prizes, but I've started free clinics and helped those in need for free." St. Peter let him in.
The third doctor said, "I'm responsible for all the HMO's across the United States." St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, "OK, I'll let you in, but you can only stay for three days!"
BAD NEWS
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"
"Nine..."
"Eight..."
OLD AGE
You Know You're Over the Hill
1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music. 2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life. 4. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
5. You tune into the easy listening station on purpose. 6. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large in that order.
7. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.
8. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. 9. You start video taping daytime game shows.
10. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame. 11. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar - a month at a time.
12. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
13. Your new easy chair has more options than your car. 14. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out and it stays out.
15. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
16. Conversations with people your own age often lead to "dueling ailments."
17. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump. 18. You discover the words "whipper snapper, scalawag, and by crikey" creeping into your vocabulary.
19. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
20. You begin every other sentence with "Nowadays.."
21. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs. 22. You look both ways before crossing a room.
23. Your social security number only has three digits.
24. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
25. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
26. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.
27. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak and you say "pureed."
28. At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.
29. You start beating everyone else at trivia games.
30. You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
31. Your back goes out more than you do.
32. Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD.
33. You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "The Hi-Fi." 34. You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.
35. You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
36. Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
37. Most of your coworkers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
38. The clothes you've put away until they come back in style have come back in style.
39. All of your favorite movies are now revised in color. 40. The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique. 41. You have more hair in your ears and nose than your head.
42. You wear black socks with sandals.
43. You take a metal detector to the beach.
Good-by Mother
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, when he went to the checkout line, she was in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."
"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good-bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
So, as the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good-bye, Mother!"
When he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," the clerk replied.
THOSE DARNED ANIMALS
Dog Job
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.
The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. He proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
The Rude Parrot
A fellow buys a parrot, but the parrot's vocabulary is rude at best. The fellow tries to reform his parrot by offering treats, shouts, and more, but nothing works.
Frustrated, he throws parrot into the freezer, and can still hear insults for a few minutes. But then there is a sudden silence. Worried that he's broken the bird, he whips open the freezer.
The parrot comes out with wholly-changed demeanor. It says:, "On reflection, my behavior has been improper. I do intend to change and I do beg your pardon."
There's a pause, then the parrot adds, "May I ask what, exactly, the turkey did?"
WORKIN' FOR A LIVIN'
My Kind of Job
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Mamager asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package with 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Realistic Office Posters
1. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
2. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
3. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
4. We put the "k" in "kwality".
5. If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
6. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
7. A person who smiles in the face of adversity, probably has a scapegoat.
8. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
9. Plagiarism saves time.
10. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
11. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
12. TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
13. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
14. We waste time, so you don't have to.
15. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
16. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
17. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
18. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
19. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
20. Succeed in spite of management.
21. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
22. We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
23. You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.
24. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
Company Mergers
1. If Hale Business Systems merged with Mary Kay Cosmetics and the Fuller brush Co., then with W.R. Grace it would create "Hale Mary Fuller Grace".
2. If Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers merged it would create "Fairwell Honeychild".
3. If Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler merged it would be called "Poly-Warner-Cracker". 4. If 3M & Goodyear merged it would be "mmmGood".
5. If Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple computer merged it would create "Crab Apple".
6. If Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining merged it would be "Zip Audi Do Da".
7. If Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds merged it would make "Swisschese".
8. If Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil merged it would be "Honey, I'm Home".
9. If Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining merged it would be "Mine, All Mine".
10. If 3M & JC Penny & Canadian Opera Company merged it would be a "3 Penny Opera".
11. If Mattel & Pacific Gold merged it would create "Ma & Pa".
12. If Sears Roebuck & Rogers Cable merged it would create "Buck Rogers".
13. If Cracker Jacks & Maxwell House merged it would be a "Crackhouse".
14. If Luvs Diapers & Hertz Rent-a-car merged it would be "Luv Hertz".
15. If Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women merged it would be "Knott NOW".
16. If Upjohn & Chuckie Cheese Pizza merged it would be "UpChuck".
17. If White Castle Burgers & Glad Trash Bags merged it would create "White Trash Bags".
18. If Uncle Ben's Rice & Ben Gay merged it would mean "Uncle Ben's Gay".
JOKES
Double Positive
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
The Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, and itīs a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished. Amazingly, neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says: "So youīre a man, thatīs interesting. Iīm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! Thereīs nothing left but, fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied: "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued: "And look at this, hereīs another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didnīt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
She then hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes several swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks: "Arenīt you having any?"
The woman replies: "No. I think Iīll just wait for the police..."
The Gas Men
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figure I'd better run too!"
Broom
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not happy about the slowness of the line. When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time.
At My Funeral...
Three good friends were driving along on the highway one Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cut them off. In an attempt to miss the shiny big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly.
They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, "Hey, what do you all want people to say at your funeral? I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'"
The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'"
Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
I Know Bob
Bob and his friend Joe are sitting on the front porch admiring the sunset. Bob has a proud smile on his face when he says, "You know, I don't think there's anyone on this planet I don't know." Joe looks at him, "What? You're kidding!" Bob says, "No. I think I know just about everybody." Joe says, "I bet you don't know the governor." "George? Yeah, I know ol' George. As a matter of fact, I'm having dinner with him Tuesday. Why don't you come along?"
They show up at the governor's mansion and the governor opens up the door himself. "Hey, Bob! How ya doin'? Come on in!"
Joe is quite impressed, but still not convinced Bob knows everybody. A few days later he tells Bob. "I bet you don't know Bruce Springsteen."
"Bruce? Sure I know the Boss! We used to hang out together in Jersey!" "Bob, I don't believe you. I think you're lying to me." "No, really," Bob responds, "In fact, he's having a concert tomorrow night. Lets go."
At the show Bob and Joe make their way up to the front row. Bruce Springsteen looks down and says, "I'd like to dedicate this next song to my good friend Bob here."
Joe is getting totally freaked by now. He is determined to find someone Bob doesn't know. A couple of weeks later, Bob is once again sitting on the porch with that proud smile on his face, when Joe pulls up in the driveway, jumps out of the car and says, "Aha! You don't know the Pope!"
"The Pope? Sure I know ol' John Paul!"
"You're lyin', Bob! I don't believe you!"
"I'll prove it to you," Bob says.
So they fly over to the Vatican. Bob goes inside and Joe stands near the front of the crowd waiting for the Pope to come out on the balcony. Soon the Pope appears before the thousands of people in the crowd. Sure enough, right beside him comes Bob, standing next to the Pope and waving at the crowds.
Suddenly the man next to Joe leans over and says "Hey, who's that standing next to Bob?"
Alabama: At Least We're Not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong
Arizona: Dehyd-rific
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthang
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Were the First, Dammit, and Don't You Forget It
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of Captain James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster, But Don't Stick Around Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: For Sale... Ahsuppose
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, and The Best Darn Militia In the Country
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##!$%## Motto? I Got Yer ##!$%## Motto Right Here
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY an Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Literally
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?
